I was having a conversation with a friend recently about what he’d do in marriage if he realised his two children are both not his. Meanwhile he’d been married to the lady for more than 10 years. The story that inspired the conversation is in here.
He reversed the question after answering and asked what I would have done if that happened to me. The conversation then progressed into sex and the motivation and styles thereof that applies to it. I thought it interesting that he opened up to share that much with me about this shrouded topic (especially in Ghana). So what did we say?
[So this was a conversation with two different people at two different times. One was an unmarried man and the other a married woman. The things in quotes apart from the conclusion are what I heard from the conversation paraphrased by me.]
[Unmarried man conversation]
Why do you have sex?
“You know how when you’re sick, you’d do whatever is necessary for the sickness to go? That’s how sex was like for me. It was releasing some pressure that had been held up for so long.”
Oh I see, so once the pressure goes, then you’re fine?
He goes ahead now to explain how different people have sex for different reasons. Mentioning that if you try it for the first time and it’s really good, it would be really difficult to stop doing it. And if it goes bad, then you’re not really that worried about trying it ever so often. Since you didn’t enjoy it anyways. If you’re unable to control the urge to always do it when you feel like it, you become like a monster. Tearing anything apart, just to get what you want. That’s where rape comes from people! Control yourself (Lol)!
Did you ever try the sucking and stuff they do in porn?
“Oh yea, we did. I stuck to one partner and I knew she was clean down there so it wasn’t much of a problem.”
So you mean you sucked her, eeeew wasn’t that gross?
“As I mentioned, she was clean down there so it wasn’t much of a problem. I read that the clitoris has some dope feelings for the lady, and thus sucking it could mean she even “comes” without necessarily the penetration. And there were times where she also returned the favour. It felt really good. <Shrugs>”
But what about things like infections and stuff? Weren’t you afraid you’d get any?
“Erh, not exactly, though I know there is the likelihood of all that.”
Do you think people are influenced to do what they do from porn? Or they would have imagined it themselves anyways?
“With her sucking mine, it was a picture I saw of the pose and decided to try it. I think people could imagine these things themselves even if they didn’t see them in porn. Because those that put it in porn and stuff, they do so cause they realised it was something that was being enjoyed.”
So why did you stop?
“I realised it was drawing me away from God. Every time I did it, I felt bad. Almost like I’d lost something really valuable. And staying away from it thus far has really shown me different levels of anointing and intimacy with God. It’s been sweeter than sex used to be, trust me. “<Smiles>
But don’t you still get tempted?
“Oh yes I do, I always am steady when it happens. Kinda fortunate too that there’s no girlfriend now so at least I manage. This thing is mostly about your brain and what you feed it really. Mine comes up really quick, so I usually do a lot of work in keeping my mind on anything apart from it.”
So is that why I sometimes feel it against me when I hug a guy or probably sit on his laps? I’ve had those experiences with some guys a couple of times.
“Yea, if the guy has his mind on more than friendship with you, it’s easy for his feelings to get manifested when he has contact with you”. As for me, after having stopped, I’ve grown better and been able to serve God well and walk in purpose, so I wouldn’t want to go back there for now, until marriage.”
Cool. <Grins broadly>
Sexual fantasies, anything?
“Haha, most people have fantasies. I have a friend who mentioned how she wants to get drunk and have sex all over the place with her husband. Got my own fantasies too, but with my experiences so far, I wouldn’t want to project my expectations unto an innocent woman. We’ll figure out how to go about it when I meet her. ”
“The thing is that, each partner should be willing to learn. Don’t be so close minded, you just want to finish and go as a man. You also shouldn’t just want it your way and go as a woman. Everyone needs to be open minded and learn what the partner wants.”
“There’s sexting and stuff, I’ve tried that too before, but I realise I had to let it go. Not because I didn’t enjoy it, but because I had to practice keeping my purity intact. I may not be penetrating, but it doesn’t mean I could still do it in my mind.”
Geez, you’re so not innocent. Boy, you done done things!!
[Married Woman perspective]
Let’s talk about sex, is it more than just the penetration?
“Of course. It’s way much more than just the penetration, there’s sexting, foreplay and all of that. The penetration is even the least, and like the conclusion, which doesn’t last that long really.”
Did you learn all these before or after marriage?
“Some I learnt before marriage because I used to be a go to person for friends on campus. So I had to research about it to be able to offer them some solace and help them deal with the various issues. Sex needs talking about more often than it is currently getting. There’s a lot young people need to know about their body, especially understanding that feeling for sex is as normal as craving food. With this understanding, you can better control yourself and deal with the urges that come. Sex is a matter of the mind, everything starts and ends in your mind. The act is just a manifestation of the thoughts.”
That’s so like what Jesus said right?
But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Matt 5:28 (ESV)
My view on the issue of sex
Usually I cringe at the mention of sex, perhaps because I dont’ see it as anything worth highlighting. So why am I unafraid to broach the topic today? Well, cause I figured we all learn about things, either the right way or the wrong way. My conversation with my friends didn’t make me want to go have sex. But it did make me better understand why I should keep my purity and sanity intact. This scenario came to mind when I was thinking through my conclusion.
“80 year old Grandma goes out with 20 year old successful male CEO”
What came to your mind after reading this? Were you thinking she was “dating” a 20 year old? Did you think it was just an innocent Grandma, Grandson outing? The difference between the two understandings (major) is context. That’s how I feel about sex. Based on the right context, it can be one of the best things that happen to you, but in another, it can be the worst mistake of your whole life.
I wouldn’t ask you to have sex or not to. That is entirely your decision to make. As for me, I won’t try it physically or mentally (again) till I get married. And that’s because I believe only the “pure in heart will see Jesus”, knowing him small has been awesome, so <shrugs>. Well, apart from staying away from unwanted pregnancy and STIs and the possibility of single parenting and bringing a child that becomes an object of anger and regret. Don’t want none of that drama, really!
Sex is cool, heck it may even be the best thing that may happen to you in a while. But always keep in mind, it's not always your best bet on happiness or fulfilment. Click To Tweet
My mouth has landed (direct translation from Twi). The conclusion of the matter is this: “sex is an issue of your mind”(this was evident from both scenarios).
Its great to hear from you too, what do you have to say about any of these? Have you had any experience worth sharing on sex?
It could lead to a series that educates us all. <wink, wink>
I don’t seek religious people who don’t understand this issue to leave any comment. If you have nothing interesting or educative to add, thanks for reading yea!
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