Crawling on all fours, sweating and yet being unable to wipe the sweat away, I kept looking. Tired and sapped of all the energy I had. I had run miles and walked some, crossed rivers and sailed across oceans, now I was crouched in a muddy and wet forest, all in search of a very precious thing to me. I had been so preoccupied with all the things that had gone and could go wrong, I was entangled by fear, unable to free myself from its strong grips. I had become so absorbed in how everything was working for others and working against me. I didn’t notice when I lost this treasure, but it was gone. It’s been long and dreary weeks, and yet I seem to still not be able to locate it.
In the midst of all life’s troubles and hardships, I lost myself. It was a gradual process, which I, of course, was too busy minding all the wrong things, I didn’t notice it slipping away. I thought we were cool, still good friends, until I found out rather late, I had lost her. The symptoms that led to the realization could have been ignored but it just didn’t feel right. I couldn’t find my voice, I was sinking deep into other’s philosophies, people’s opinion was much more important than my convictions. What rounded up the whole show was I couldn’t find God inside. That was when I knew I had lost something money couldn’t buy, worry couldn’t restore, men-pleasing couldn’t afford and envy definitely couldn’t match up to. I had lost an essential part of me, just because I decided to engage worry a little, decided to make other people’s opinion my conscience. Just because I chose to ignore God for a little while because I thought He had been unfair to me.
Crouched under this herbaceous bush, hungry, sweaty, smelly, muddy and all the “llys”, all I can think of is how to make amends and let her stay after I’ve found her. I’ll let you know what comes out of my search for my lost self. Do stay with me and pray that I eventually find her, but most importantly that she’d agree to return to me.
Mimispassion © 2016